Settlement Ultimatum - Pt 3.: - Should I Tell Everything or Shut Up? The Reality of AFAB -
A: ....
But if hypervigilance was something,
I almost get this incredible amount of frustration just coming out of ongoing level of HYPERACTIVITY alone, I think.
...Besides this new phenomenon/concern about 'lonely death', esp. including those of my age people and under.
B: That's why certain people have to be controlled.
A: ......
I guess, if that's the only way one could put it down to.
....
Like, if I was a VERY UGLY PERSON long time ago and have caused insensible amount of damage to another person then thinking that I LOVE HIM,
...Maybe it makes that much tiny bit sense for a set of crowd to come in ready to spit in my face, right.
Since anything I'd try to do to correct myself in that picture wouldn't be nothing but just plain hypocrisy.
B: ...
A: But say that the same thing happened again and this time I was on the receiving end, AND disturbing or not in a gender-reversed manner,
...Maybe that's the worst thing that could happen so much so living wage was concerned.
..But in another light, we're all human beings living in human world, I've seen all kinds of things happen out there whether through computer mediums or in person - like WHAT CAN'T GO WRONG.
B: ......
A: It's like my claim of being bullied not only early on but for near lifetime will always fall on deaf ears, no matter how much I want to insist on something legit and that was that.
Because human beings were human beings so much so people were people,
..no matter how 'pretty' piano music you put on to like console yourself at home, that's like the de facto reality.
B: Being friendless, you mean.
A: Yeah,
..I honestly don't think I'm THAT different from those who ARE in fact at risk of that solatile death,
So much so I've been pretty much rendered that way and DID NOT KNOW how to get out of that condition myself.
Like, if you think I'm making this stuff up, go ahead and try me 'cause I've been nothing but living through it all myself. I just didn't have to become a refugee from the conflict regions or something like that you know? Like look at those scared people in misery in the news but no, I've got different problems going on here
B: ......
A: And then it's my mom & dad who put me in this a little-too-big Florida house for me where there's prison & bunch of shelters for needy people nearby,
I'm like, great place you put me here, now I find myself worrying about renter registration w/o having any background knowledge except Google. You know?
B: I hear ya.
A: And I'm like, "This is how I'm going to AGE, this is nothing short of what I already went through before. At least I come with prepared having the experience for all these crap". Cause otherwise I might not have literally survived what I really been thru or had less of a life going on than where I am
...Like seriously. I practically & seriously couldn't care less about that one UGLY dude whose motivation to get under someone's pants is a little too obvious, it's the past stuff that I'd done when I was at that stage that gets caught up.
The thing is, I'm like the only one who've always known that I'm like this ostracized being out of the whole flock, like I know how it feels to be ousted from the surviving crew. Like ALL THE TIME.
..Of course why wouldn't you go crazy in that picture, no matter how much you've wanted to 'fit in' and have lived better normal life from the beginning.
I never expressed it since no one cared, but it's like I always had this nag in the back of my head that kept telling me I'm either too dull/slow/dumb to catch up to others' level.
And now I find myself acting like a bank accountant while doodling w/ Google Sheets. Which is something I never imagined myself doing, I don't know why. Maybe it's b/c I've signed up to Dow Janes after the monetary issue kicked in.
B: The New Yorkers.
A: Right. And they just are exactly the same on that as Floridians I think.
B: Jesus!
A: You can say that.
A: ...You know, in the most recent sermons of hers through her Youtube channel, @maumgoyo (정목스님의 유나방송),
She was stressing about 'not speaking too much'. ..About yourself especially.
Which does kind of coincide w/ the sort of caveats I think I heard elsewhere on one of those people skills workshops/podcasts. That if you reveal too much about yourself, you make yourself the weakling out of everyone.
B: But writing (in freestyle) is different.
A: ...Right. Whether people hate me or anything right. ...So much so I don't end up w/ yet another form of self-injury/mutilation or whatsoever. Like I've heard enough from Soft White Underbelly already.
B: ...Are you being reasonable w/ that, you think?
A: I can't know that. I know better how I'm not born to be an analyst. But still.
B: ...?
A: ....Okay. Since I've been nothing but OPEN ABOUT SEX *as a topic, I'm just gonna use that as a reference again.
Like who else can't be when we have terms like 'Pansexuality' or 'demisexuality' flying around among those Asexual girls on Twitter nowadays.
B: ....
(Feeling skirmish) ..Okay.
A: Let's say I'm that girl.
How do you distinguish a guy who's just trying to have sex with you from someone who's actually willing to invest time to get to know you in person?
Do you look at how his face is shaped COSMETICALLY CORRECT?
B: ...
I get that you're trying to prove your humanity, once and for all.
A: .....
I think that's pretty much all I've been trying to do, ever since that one 'stalking injury' I've done to that one Iranian dude. ...Besides trying to run a marathon irl, that is.
B: ...So.......
Remaining an 'adult virgin', I guess? ..on better technical terms, .....that is whether knowingly or not. That is whether you tell someone or keep it a secret (i.e. closeted Asexual), ...can actually end up with some advantages. I GUESS.
A: It's the dual side thing in human life, I think. Like Yin & Yang.
....Like, I'm certainly in better position than those types of women/females sucked into the worst side of human sexuality.
..Which does make me sound like a bad person already, while I just can't think of a better way to summarize sexual minority stuff at the moment.
...Which I guess to take better "adult" approach, were pretty much predestined to happen so much so human history proves it.
Like I'm not a cop nor a investigator on women's issues, but I can tell that much trying to glean from the big picture and all that.
B: ...It's like being the screen - dependent generation endows you with this certain observer's quality.
A: ..I guess. So much so you've spent so long time on it.
..And just to add, that was pretty much the only way I knew as a kid to protect myself. ..You know, physical bullying and all that.
..It just grew into fancier equipment while I had no idea whether what I was engaging in was really helping me or not, while time just flew by and I just stuck w/ the behavior.
B: ...I get it.
....But the more I try to see through, it sounds more like you're trying to touch upon (Human) Behavioral Psychology.
...Like say how factory workers get accustomed to certain routines/principles to i.e. manufacture their equipment and keep on w/ that for certain hours/set amount of production time.
...Cause if even food industry works with similar logic, then to me it's just same as saying that half of the civilization runs along that path or something.
...And that's totally off from where this one ugly dude trying to come after to get in your pants.
A: ...Right.
That you're talking about the collective issue at hand, while another was just something that happens among individuals.
....I'm not a social scientist, but I get that much.
...Problem is just how much does it help to even literalize what might not even be considered general in real life setting.
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