Sotokomori 101. (*Self-interview format)
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I: ....So tell me exactly,
...Just WHAT in the hell is 'Sotokomori'?
A: Okay... I'll do my best to explain (without using my mother tongue)
..Basically if you apply the three-dot logo I've been using on my Twitter & other social media handle (*Triratna); then it's like, for me it's nothing but: Work then go home (or get lost in random places). ....While you know, other 'normal' people would be busy trying to strengthen/enjoy/share their preexisting social ties and stuff.
I: What do you mean, by 'get lost'?
A: ....Maybe I gotta admit I was influenced by one of the ppl I happen to know somewhat, since she used to own this pretty neat hardcore venue and I still remember that one instagram story of hers where she mentioned driving 5 hours to go up to Canada (with her friends).
...I'm like, I don't have any friends since I'm not her but I could at least try just HANGING OUT FURTHER. And I did. If not to NYC - like I've been to Cornell University (I think) all by myself once from when I was living up in Chenango county and local senior artists that I was hanging out with at the time would still call that a stint. I'm like just how far you gotta drive yourself out just to consider yourself an American.
I: (Chuckles) But you did manage to go on a trip.
A: Heck yeah, when I had enough money in my pocket and I did not have the ailing EV like I do now. *And I was on vacation so I didn't have to rush.
I: Sounds about right to me. Where did you go?
A: Everglades.
I: Oh wow.
A: Yeah.
.......It was....... The longest trip I've ever went by myself so far.
Or no actually, I've been to another one and that was by west coast of Florida, I think as I remember. I do remember that too clearly b/c the hotel I stayed in sucked.
I: Exactly where?
A: I think it was around Richloam Wildlife Management Area 'cuz as far as my memory goes it was like the last place I happen to stop by yet ended up me not hiking out but sketching literally just random objects while sitting in the car. It's kind of bitter I have that memory instead of enjoying the scenery or anything cuz I had pretty mean elders (who were obviously strangers) around me at the time.
..But anyhow I do remember going to that region, with me having to run to 7-11 to get new pads b/c my period popped back whatnot.
.....At least I didn't have cockroaches creeping out during the night like they did in one of the episodes in Tommy G with his friend.
I: Hmm.
A: ...But if I could pick out the best trip so far then that would be Everglades. Even tho I wasn't prepared to pay another $30 at the end of the day so I do remember going back & forth fairly far distances from the hotel I was in just to find some place to hike & explore. Plus it was in the middle of the heat so I do remember being soaked with sweat while being worried about being bitten by mosquitos.
...But the longest run I had I think was from the other trip. Can't remember where exactly but that nearly killed me since I was virtually running unseasoned, compared to now where I'm more than 'equipped' (or trying to be).
I: Okay... And you're mentioning all that because?
A: ...I'm mentioning them first & foremost 'cuz I think that was the happiest I could be - despite obvious setbacks like running out of money or still having to be alone throughout the whole trip w/o getting any new friends - 'cuz at that moment I was traveling I was totally in control of myself, as well as being independent whatnot.
...Just didn't know it would come down to where I'd have to realize where I'm (still) dependent on my parents b/c they're the one who has that economical authority over me with the vehicle I have now, which is under my stepfather's name. And stuff could go exactly >70 miles PER CHARGE. And you know what that means if you drive EV nowadays.
I: It's still new to me.
A: It means that I'm virtually stuck in Brevard county (*of where I've been resident since 2019). If I tried to get a job in Orlando and started to commute there with the car I got now then I'd more than likely get myself stranded in the middle of 528 b/c thing would outrun its battery course DEPITE CHARGING.
I: Dang........
A: I know, nobody wants to get there.
...I understand. .....
I: I feel bad for you, bruh.
A: ......Thank you.
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I: So tell me, what's with social stuffs and what's really bugging you. ....You know, as a minority.
A: Right, so the above picture - I can't blame those people.
...Like I don't think anyone can if they knew their personal history behind and that was growing up in orphanages esp. after being put away by their own parents. That I'm not the case of, so I can't know beyond what I can superficially/formally sympathize.
....But I have been thinking that even in my 30's I still have what's called boundary issue - embarrassing to call it. ...I mean if I labeled the stuff right.
I: Tell me more?
A: Like not being able to/knowing how to respond when one hears something in-dignifying in person, or to using maladaptive coping strategies whatnot. You know, to deal with intimate and/or personal problems.
.....Like as someone who happens to fall right in b/w being Korean vs. being American, the only pitfalls I find as a bilingual person is that I'm increasingly finding stuffs that are hard to explain in both language zones. ...Whether it be death of a famous idol from South Korea, or something really American that none of the natives over there would understand. On top of that I'm not only a (more than likely) social minority, - *let's skip the gross details for now since I've been repeating them too long - it's like I've labelled myself as someone who's been nothing but FRIENDLESS LIFELONG and who more than have higher chance than everyone else that she'll just STAY THAT WAY. ..And I do think it provokes a bit of insanity to think & ponder about in my opinion, especially as someone who's born in a specie/race where one's gotta be social so survive.
..Like just think about the level of stress that might come from that state of being in and of itself.
(Just consider, could you?)
I: I'm trying to get it.
A: Like if I was a 'regular girl' perhaps I could try being a little more effeminate/elaborate/subtle depending on and use verbatim like 'being scarred' or 'coming with emotional issues (or having to do emotional labor)' or stuff like that. While only thing I know as a person in my body & gender overall is that not everyone is gonna look up/be concerned about issues like "FTM transgender's collective mortality rate". 'Cause even I'd admit stuff's one of the nastiest issues that human beings have gotten themselves into in 2024 in my very personal opinion.
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[End]
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