(EN) Journal of March 15th, 2024 - Brevard County/Space Coast, FL.

 ..But what if I was doing everything for life, i.e. to survive, after all..? Whether that'd be not (personally or not) acting upon what could have been a possibly 'verbal abuse' and not calling it out in its name; or pressing myself to keep going to fill up those hours as if I was an anime character in a B-Rank & rated psycho-thriller series. ..I mean, if you are my generation and you grew up watching Animes, you'd certainly get what I mean by 50/50 chance.

......It's just that the fact I'm more of a 1.5 generation Korean immigrant than either side I guess would turn out to mean that I'm bound to have complications in my daily whereabouts. Whether that'd be: Developing OCD about basic hygiene drills/rituals or becoming slightly more obsessed about my TMJD due to its increased pain level as well as my items bought for 100% personal use or spending more time indoors than ever thanks to the shortened mileage of 2015 Nissan Leaf I drive that's not even under my name or the fact that I have been living alone while having history of voluntarily signing up for SNAP/unemployment benefits in the recent past for multiple & consequent termination whatnot or etc.

......

...I certainly am not the one when things come down to 'faking' things up, or even adding that bit of what people would call sophisticated tweak so that any brutal situation would look at least understandable on human terms. I just lack that side/ability or whatever you call it.

..Yet it is that 'brutal' childhood of mine that keeps telling me that I have not only changed near 180 degrees near recent years, but also am developing a side that the owner of that certain memory is becoming evermore alienated from that very human self (There's no better terms for me to describe the phenomena at the moment). ..Maybe the fact that I'm virtually surrounded by crazy 'Florida man's' or literally 'tech junkies' did something to not only my brain but my personality. In other words, my most authentic explanation of 'I am human therefore I make mistake too' would not ring too pretty with the types of neighbors I'm virtually tasked to be alongside on almost day-to-day basis. ..That is, regarding my sotokomori status, only when I go outside, that is. .....

......

Maybe I'm too hostile (as well), which I've been long suspecting the very cause of my bruxism. Of which alongside w/ my TMJD condition at times like this esp. when I'm on my device now are coming back w/ even more degrees of sharp pain thanks to all those years of maltreatment. It is scary, and I now understand the daily struggles of what it means to be seriously disabled at least that much better. By that I do not think the many Florida Man's (and their wives) would care much for one Asian female ending up another news as a dead body in their county. Sounds extremely crude, but no other way to put it. ....Especially more so I've been that kid (*in recent years) who was looking up people being f*cked on literally physical terms on Deep Gore Tube, besides learning everything I can in the meantime about Kodokushi, AKA dying alone in one's own cell. ..At least they do have more than a couple of personalities to look up to in that latter industry in my opinion, like Sweepers' (스위퍼스) CEO.

......

Children will always remain the same. It's just that things happened to me so that I happen to be on the side of knowing their most vicious (and perhaps even animalistic) side ever since kindergarten; which is pretty sad experience considering I now have renewed interested in getting a teaching certificate as an adult. Of which memories/facts I'm sure no one else would get.

But regardless.