Sotokomori Monologue

 A: ... I think Floridians are stupid. B: ....What? A: I mean it. They ARE. B: ............ Okay. Hopefully you don't get one of those 'lashbacks' or whatever by those types of ppl ready to expose your identity. A: I can't really care about that anymore, since I've been more than aware of where I've been I think. ....Not everyone gets to have a 'brutal' childhood to come out clean & alive, you know? .... [On Sexual Desire as it is; and Buddhism] A: I envy the chill ones now B: .. A: Good school, decent family & upbringing, no trouble during social life, respectable finance..... Lot of people don't seem to realize just how much they've gotten ...As if, the whole measurement of this empty American nest that I've been residing in so far represented the worth of my AFAB v*gina Just b/c, I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO RENT B: ... Would you stop sounding like a g*ddamn minor, please ...I thought you wanted to be on the helping side. You know,...

  <Reverend Pomnyun.> ..... A: I feel like I'm in a limbo. B: Speak to me in a way that's not too immature, please. A: Not confident, but I'll try. ...... B: What are you scared about? A: Uh... Being.. 'Laughed at'? No.... Scolded? Ridiculed? Admired? Adored? What was the word..... B: You don't know. A: That's what I mean, I said I FEEL as if I'm in a limbo. B: But it's just a feeling. A: ..... ........ [Two doors and one room later] A: Call me stupid, but B: That no one cares? A: No..... ...You know, if I was that one messed up criminal. I mean if I REALLY WAS, .. <Ref.: Kurita Genzo.> B: Then NO ONE would have listened to you, no matter what. And that's REALITY. ...Including book publishing. A: Right. ... ..... ..What if, there were literally STRANGERS whom I've just known for DAYS Or actually just types of people that I merely see for contractual reasons And I already had a ill feeling about them..? ....Like what has been going...

 1. 허기가 져서 밥을 먹었더니 입에서 악취가 난다. 맛은 달콤하고 고소함을 다 느끼지만 현실은 이를 깨끗이 닦지 않으면 늘 더럽고 지저분해지는구나. 2. 왠 소년과 소녀가 눈앞에 나타났는데 그 꼴이 하도 보기 편찮아서 무시를 하고 도망을 가려 했다. 그러나 도망을 가지 못한다는 걸 깨닫고 오랜 시간 동안 괜찮은 척을 했더니 정말 아무렇지도 않게 되어 버리는 것이었다. 그래서 고민에 빠지기 왈, '옛날의 나는 정말로 순수했던가?' '아니'. 무의식의 나는 답변을 하였다. '그럼 어떻게 해' 라고 따지자 '그냥 늙어 버려'/'그런 게 지금 와서 무슨 상관이야' ...마치 의식 상태가 고르곤의 세 자매로 나뉘어진 양, 혼란하기 그지없구나. '혼란은 사랑이 아니야'/'찔러 줘서 고맙군' 몇날 몇칠 흥건한 밤 그리고 다시 돌아오면 썰렁한 현실 뿐 예쁘기만 한 소녀가 돌아와서 웃는다 에라, 모르겠다 집에 가서 요가나 해야지 3. 모두에게 각양각색의 모습들 제각기 다른 태도, 다른 출신, 다른 피부색 약간은 어지럽다가도, 일말의 다정함이 늘 혼자임에 지쳐있던 나를 달래곤 한다 ...적어도 그때의 아픔과 상처, 우악스러움에서 벗어난 점만은 다행스럽게 생각해 더 큰 잘못을 저지를 수도 있었겠지만, 거기서 멈출 수 있었으니 이런 날 혼낼 거라면 적어도 그 이후에 너희들이 후회하지는 않길 바래 나도 그러했으니 ...누군가와의 은밀한 사랑 따위는 필요없는 거야, 정말로 인간은 그런 존재니까 정성어린 진심이란 없는 거라고, 늘 현실 속에서 배워왔지 그런 기준에서 본다면 난 그저 목숨이 붙어있는 존재, 피와 살덩어리 죽지 못해 사는 존재 모두에게 난 혼자가 좋아, 어쩔 수 없어 누군가의 죽음은, 애석하게 생각해. 나도 우리 모두 애도를 하자 그 뒤에는 아무것도 남지 않을 테니 내일 아침도, 안녕

 A: ..... Koreans are NOT the best human beings on earth. & That's why we're disappearing. Nasty to point out the de facto reality, I myself couldn't have known it better with my all due experiences as a child from that country. B: ...Sounds like a lot in between. A: ..... 'Oasis' B: ... Band name? A: No, a kid. Back then when I was that age. ...A boy, actually. Very brief, but different from others. B: ...... Like, why would your friend-level materials would literally be risked w/ something like 'lonely death' phenomenon? A: .... Don't challenge me on that. B: Okay. So I won't, then. ......... A: And - B: I won't mention your mom, no. ..You're not even gonna call her 'mother', so how's that. A: "Sigh" ..... "I am not sure, at this moment, whether I am wearing a funny clown's costume, or a dirty pauper's worn-out jacket. I just know that at one side of the corner of my conscience, there's that little...

 B: ... A: ...You know, let's say I'm literally in a situation where people are trying to eat my ego & psychology out alive by keep saying things like "You're a thing/scum/pervert" even following me to my backyard. Esp. regarding the fact that I happen to be a quote & quote 'female'. And all that. ...Like if I have been engaging w/ Buddhist studies specifically for a length of time, it's likely to prepare for stuffs like that from RL. You know? B: But fault is fault, what's done is done. The guy from the past now... A: ..Well, at least Google says that I'm pretty much rendered harmless than the other way around. ...Like, having been beaten up by peer-age boys as of young being a girl is one thing - stuff is nothing but reenactment of what these kids likely seen of their fathers in their home, which just happen to got onto me back then. BUT... B: You were 'acting out' w/ promiscuity afterwards - when puberty struck. A: That's...

B: ...... Pa-do-son? A: ...It's translated as 'wavy hands', or 'hands of wave'. B: For what? mentally disturbed people? Really? A: Considering the cultural nature, I do feel extremely cautious about revealing what kind of individuals they could be comprised of. B: Oh-I-see. A: ........ ...You know, I've been struggling to think Just WHY certain things exist in the world, and that's that. IT'S THE REALITY. Get over it. Just like how my stepdad or mom would tell me at a moment's notice. ..Now they've loosened down on that attitude a bit - even though I'm still more than a bit taken aback on how they plan to make this very current property here in Florida as like their lifetime asset. While putting me right in the position to be stuck here for good. B: Don't say that too often or thing could really work as your own omen - A: I know. I'm used to it, not surprised anymore - at least I got WiFi connection. B: ... .....The Boy...... He was.....